A selfie I took on the train in 2006, the day after I nearly suffocated. I posted it a couple of weeks later when I had found an internet cafe. Under the picture I had written "I look like a vampire. I hadn't slept well the other night." In 2006 I traveled from Mongolia (where I was serving in the Peace Corps) to China. I was traveling by train I had never been to China before and I was very excited. When the train stopped at the Mongolia/China border in the Chinese city of Erlian, the old white American expatriate who shared a car with me told me to stay seated. "They're changing the wheels," he said, "They're gonna lock all the doors to the car so no one enters China illegally from the train I looked out the window. The train was surrounded by soldiers. I remember thinking they looked so young, like children. None of the soldiers in their green military uniforms and dinner plate-like caps appeared older than 16. Still, they were soldiers. That was unmistakable Changing the wheels took hours. The air in the train car grew very stuffy. I realized suddenly that if there were a fire in the train car, we would be stuck. We'd burn alive. The air grew even more stifling. "This is awful," I said to my train companion, "I literally can't even breathe now. And they don't care at all!" "Oh yeah, it's cruel," he replied phlegmatically, "I've seen people literally faint, just fall down on the floor, when I make this trip." I left my compartment, hoping that walking would quell my panic. I pulled down on my already-lose shirt collar.. I noticed someone had cracked a window down the hallway. It was too small for anyone to climb through, but several passengers had lifted their toddlers to the open window, allowing the children to breathe more freely. I went to the end of the train car and yanked at the door, even though I knew it would be futile. Looking through the window I saw a young soldier yawn sleepily. It was 1am at that point. He looked tired. He still stood at attention however, and he still had his gun. My experience in the train car was my first taste fascism. As a white American I had only known the concept of fascism rather abstractly. It was that totally-over-never-gonna-return government that my grandfather escaped from in the 1930s. It was your parents telling you that you couldn't watch Star Trek until you finished your math homework. That was fascism. I had never experienced what it was like to live under a government that never had to be held accountable to the people until I was locked in that train car in China. Mongolia is a Democracy. The US is a Democracy. China is not a democracy. And I learned a hard lesson about actually existing under fascism that day Fascism is not being able to breathe. Fascism is a boot on your neck. Fascism is George Floyd crying out "I can't breathe!" as a police officer murdered him. Democracy is that police officer going to jail. Democracy is protests until the government, eyeing the next election, bends to the will of the people. As I celebrate the 4th of July this week I still remember that moment almost twenty years ago when I thought I would suffocate in a train car. I still remember the slow walk of the train employee back to our car at 3am. He had been in no hurry to unlock the doors after the wheels were changed. I posted a selfie on my blog after reaching an internet cafe a week later. I am pale as a sheet and exhausted. Under the photo I typed "I look like a vampire. I hadn't slept well the other night." Now in 2024 we are facing (again) another crossroad between continued Democracy in our country. I see white progressive colleagues retweeting articles like Jared Golden's "Donald Trump is Going To Win The Election and Democracy Will Be Just Fine." I see people posting photos about how they are celebrating American freedom "under duress" because of Gaza or the lack of "Medicare for All." In the photos they are smiling. Their children are in their laps. And everyone is breathing just fine
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